letter to myself

Highlight of the week-  Ice T liked my comment on his instagram post.  Lol, I got a big ole kick out of that.
There are so many directions I could go.
I signed up for classes and have my schedule.  This will be the first time back to school since graduating high school.  I'm so plum excited. I think the kids are old enough to where my going to school won't be problematic.  I've got my class schedule and it looks very doable.  Composition 1, general psychology, art appreciation, and pacer math.  In high school I was doing trigonometry and pre calculus, but it's been 17 years and I've not much used higher math very much, so most all was forgotten.  This math class will be a great refresher.
Seize the means of production.  Important to contemplate.
It's been difficult to share fully of myself.  That is a very vulnerable place to be.  But really, I've received nothing but kindnesses from the people I interact with. That's not always going to be the case, and that's ok.

Intergalactic

Sometimes I see myself as a space traveler.  Technically, I am.  On my own little planet whizzing by.  Recording the things I see. Kittens are awfully darling. There have been 2 on my bed today.

Cats.

I've got Socks.  Curling up against me now.  There are two new kittens in the house.  What am I thinking?  How will I manage? That makes 6 cats.  They're mostly outside so it really feels like no big deal.  The more, the merrier, right?  Ha.  I don't know if the cats feel the same way. If they're getting on each other's nerves... what am I thinking?  Eh.  If I can extend a helping hand to better a life, take the opportunity. That's fair.  I mean, if you can't, you can't. But if you can, do.  We all make mistakes.  But saving a life should never be viewed as the wrong thing to do.  There will be plenty of food for all of us.  There's enough now.  Just keep believing there will be enough for everyone. Naive?  It's just a matter of getting healthy food into their hands.  Food forests. Permaculture yards.  Trees and vines teeming with food. Food everywhere.  It is possible.

Thinking of Shadowly

Missing Shadow has reminded me of how truly impermanent things are.  I got into the habit of loving on the surface, but not growing too attached.  Tayo I couldn't help but love, and then came along Shadow.  Shadow was a bit nervous at the beginning, but he was always kind to me.  My heart hurts and I feel the tears welling up when I allow myself to think about him.  I just miss him.  Part of me is so sad and practical, thinking I'll never see him again. But my creative side knows he's out there, he's in my memory and many others, how can he just stop existing?

bloodwork meds

I guess when I got my bloodwork about a month ago, the numbers didn't look so great.  I started taking lovaza, which is pharmaceutical fish oil.  4 grams.  I had stopped taking it for a while there, so I have had a few bottles.  My doctor prescribes 2 grams a day, but after my cholesterol comes back next time and it has improved, I could ask to continue that dosage of the lovaza. Also taking turmeric with pepper, 3 500 mg caps and about 6 grams of vitamin c a day and 3 grams of lysine.  Lysine to help move molecules of cholesterol out of arteries and to places they can be utilized better. I'm trying.  Ideally, I'd need about 6 months to clear out my blood vessels and heal them and for cholesterol to be cleared out a bit more.  Oh coq10 too, along with spirulina.  And cut out the junk.  Empty calories. Coffeeee.  Nuts about coffee.  Could give it a little break. Weblog.  That's fair.  If only as a place for you to jump off from. A place of rememberance for you personally.

Why lonely?

Why is feedback necessary? I know my own worth, I don't need to worry about others opinions.  Maybe I just need to remind myself of what a cool gal I am.  Gardening with mom has been a lot of fun.  I've got a lot of cool paintings under my belt.  I've been a great artist, but I'm ready to go back to school.  I'm just plumb excited.  I've got to take my placement test to see what courses I can start off with. I'll be at WATC to start. I qualify for a Pell grant, which should cover most everything.  I may take out a loan to help cover the cost of housing and bills while I'm in school. I guess that's the plan. Thinking of going into microbiology, maybe forensics.  Not sure.  Big biology is fascinating too.
   Playing small? Shrinking away?  Who the fuck do you think you are, not sharing what's inside of you? I don't know why I'm scared.  Intimidated.  Worried they'll think lowly of me.  Lalanea told me the other day, that others opinions of me are none of my business.  I've been thinking about that a lot.  Maybe by putting myself out there, reaching out, coming to the crack... I'll help someone I didn't even know needed my help.

Sunday May 27th

I want to develop a relationship with my computer.  The kind I have with the phone.  Maybe not so acutely attached.. Phone addiction is tough, because saying you're addicted to the phone is like being addicted to knowledge, so it is only natural.  I feel I may be always reading something, learning.  I'm hearing all around me, to share my truth.  Well, what even is that? Sometimes I don't even know if what I'm remembering is real, or if my imagination is just coming up with different scenarios.  I've been rather selfish.  Prancing through life without a care in the world, without really considering the lives of others.  Being rather self-centered.
  I am horrified by everything Jean has been through.  Those poor girls.  Boys.  I've watched the Keepers so many times.  I just am compelled to help.  I don't know what to do really.  I just feel awful for the things she's been through.

Grasping

Why do I cling to that which doesn't serve me? In so many different arenas this applies.  People.  Relationship dreams. I can be content within myself, but can be hard not sharing.  i like to talk to people.  I guess I get a little lonely, and try to remind myself that i have the best company, my own company. The clinging.  The desperation. The I don't want to lose yous.  Grasping, grasping.
Just let go. I can say that, and mean it, but when it comes back to it, I'm still holding on. Sometimes I just want someone to talk to, but talking to myself can sometimes be the most insightful. I think I may post old journals. I want to extend love and kindness to this cat, but I still miss Shadow and wish he were around.  And then I get to thinking of the Godliness that is within all beings. And I know Shadow is out there.  In my mind, and in our hearts.  Shadow is within Socks too.  As we are in all beings.  We are all connected.
  Trying to go to a prayerful place. Is the God voice I hear, is it valid? Is it like the same thing that has happened to other people when they say that God was talking to them?
  I'm afraid of letting go and losing friendships, even if I'm angry and hurt,  I like the reassurance I get when I hear from my friends.  But I have bad feelings about so and so, he hurt my son, I think he considered hurting my daughter. Why do I need to stay in his good graces?  What do I care? I'm a little curious. Where things will go.  Just let go.  For a while at least.  See if you really need that crutch. You may be pleasantly surprised at your own strength.

Shadow- the best friend cat

He was the best cat.  All cats are best cats, but he really was the best.  Always a friend.  He passed away Friday, hit by a car.  I bawled a few days, just remembering my friend.  I don't want him to be gone.  He was always available for a cuddle, and would come see me always.  He had his little spot on the bed.  I'll miss seeing him there. 

Beginnings

And here we are again.  The blocks are up.   If only I were a little better, in a good place, I could create content.  Just sit down and write.  Don't be ashamed because you haven't written in a while.  What matters is where you're at right now, and right now, you're writing. 
The day is rich and full before me. I could do just about anything.   Let's paint.  I've always enjoyed that in the past.  I don't know if art is serving me right now.  I'm at a point where I want to take in other people's work, fully immerse myself in the mystery and intrigue of others.  And not feel guilty for not producing like other artists.  I'm not a goddamn art factory, turning out piece by piece like an assembly line.  Each of my pieces means something to me.  So what I don't produce produce produce.  My kids are my art, and I invest my time and energy into them.  So don't feel guilty that you haven't painted in a month.  Or whatever.  Inspiration will hit and you'll be able to art it up once again.