Why lonely?

Why is feedback necessary? I know my own worth, I don't need to worry about others opinions.  Maybe I just need to remind myself of what a cool gal I am.  Gardening with mom has been a lot of fun.  I've got a lot of cool paintings under my belt.  I've been a great artist, but I'm ready to go back to school.  I'm just plumb excited.  I've got to take my placement test to see what courses I can start off with. I'll be at WATC to start. I qualify for a Pell grant, which should cover most everything.  I may take out a loan to help cover the cost of housing and bills while I'm in school. I guess that's the plan. Thinking of going into microbiology, maybe forensics.  Not sure.  Big biology is fascinating too.
   Playing small? Shrinking away?  Who the fuck do you think you are, not sharing what's inside of you? I don't know why I'm scared.  Intimidated.  Worried they'll think lowly of me.  Lalanea told me the other day, that others opinions of me are none of my business.  I've been thinking about that a lot.  Maybe by putting myself out there, reaching out, coming to the crack... I'll help someone I didn't even know needed my help.

Sunday May 27th

I want to develop a relationship with my computer.  The kind I have with the phone.  Maybe not so acutely attached.. Phone addiction is tough, because saying you're addicted to the phone is like being addicted to knowledge, so it is only natural.  I feel I may be always reading something, learning.  I'm hearing all around me, to share my truth.  Well, what even is that? Sometimes I don't even know if what I'm remembering is real, or if my imagination is just coming up with different scenarios.  I've been rather selfish.  Prancing through life without a care in the world, without really considering the lives of others.  Being rather self-centered.
  I am horrified by everything Jean has been through.  Those poor girls.  Boys.  I've watched the Keepers so many times.  I just am compelled to help.  I don't know what to do really.  I just feel awful for the things she's been through.

Grasping

Why do I cling to that which doesn't serve me? In so many different arenas this applies.  People.  Relationship dreams. I can be content within myself, but can be hard not sharing.  i like to talk to people.  I guess I get a little lonely, and try to remind myself that i have the best company, my own company. The clinging.  The desperation. The I don't want to lose yous.  Grasping, grasping.
Just let go. I can say that, and mean it, but when it comes back to it, I'm still holding on. Sometimes I just want someone to talk to, but talking to myself can sometimes be the most insightful. I think I may post old journals. I want to extend love and kindness to this cat, but I still miss Shadow and wish he were around.  And then I get to thinking of the Godliness that is within all beings. And I know Shadow is out there.  In my mind, and in our hearts.  Shadow is within Socks too.  As we are in all beings.  We are all connected.
  Trying to go to a prayerful place. Is the God voice I hear, is it valid? Is it like the same thing that has happened to other people when they say that God was talking to them?
  I'm afraid of letting go and losing friendships, even if I'm angry and hurt,  I like the reassurance I get when I hear from my friends.  But I have bad feelings about so and so, he hurt my son, I think he considered hurting my daughter. Why do I need to stay in his good graces?  What do I care? I'm a little curious. Where things will go.  Just let go.  For a while at least.  See if you really need that crutch. You may be pleasantly surprised at your own strength.

Shadow- the best friend cat

He was the best cat.  All cats are best cats, but he really was the best.  Always a friend.  He passed away Friday, hit by a car.  I bawled a few days, just remembering my friend.  I don't want him to be gone.  He was always available for a cuddle, and would come see me always.  He had his little spot on the bed.  I'll miss seeing him there. 

Beginnings

And here we are again.  The blocks are up.   If only I were a little better, in a good place, I could create content.  Just sit down and write.  Don't be ashamed because you haven't written in a while.  What matters is where you're at right now, and right now, you're writing. 
The day is rich and full before me. I could do just about anything.   Let's paint.  I've always enjoyed that in the past.  I don't know if art is serving me right now.  I'm at a point where I want to take in other people's work, fully immerse myself in the mystery and intrigue of others.  And not feel guilty for not producing like other artists.  I'm not a goddamn art factory, turning out piece by piece like an assembly line.  Each of my pieces means something to me.  So what I don't produce produce produce.  My kids are my art, and I invest my time and energy into them.  So don't feel guilty that you haven't painted in a month.  Or whatever.  Inspiration will hit and you'll be able to art it up once again. 

Painting for James

Water Barrels!

My nifty water barrel system

Martha

thom

Held